Saturday, September 6, 2008


Being educated is awesome.

Go ahead and roll your eyes, but you all know it's true. In fact, if we weren't educated, you wouldn't be reading this right now because I wouldn't have had the mental capacity to have typed this up. But you know what? Being educated about stupid things that you won't even use in real life is not awesome. In fact, it's just plain retarded. Of course, basic subjects that can be found from kindergarten up to elementary school are acceptable, as they will make up the crux of your general knowledge, but everything else that isn't related to life, your future job, or how to shit money, has no business being a subject in a high school/college curriculum.

Take for instance, chemistry. Sure, a little knowledge about chemistry can come in handy now and then, but all of that shit about how gold is more valuable than silver, or how acid can melt your face can be learned by either watching the movies or paying attention in general science in elementary school. I mean, what the fuck were they thinking when they started teaching teenagers about balancing equations? Nobody in the real world cares about balancing equations, so unless you plan on becoming a scientist, can you really put "Knows how to balance chemical equations" on your resume?

Let's not forget about physics. Oh physics, how I wanted to punch your inventor in the nuts. To me, physics was one of the most irrelevant subjects in high school. It's just stupid. I mean, they'd ask you questions like, "If Pete leaves his house in a car at 2:00 PM and drives with an initial velocity of 2.0 m/s and accelerates at a constant rate of 1.2 m/s, at what point will he pass by Steve, who leaves his house at precisely the same time and drives at a constant velocity of 10 m/s?" Answer: Who the fuck cares? Unless Pete and Steve are planning to fill their cars with high explosives, crash head on, and tell me beforehand so that I can videotape them, I wouldn't have given a flying fuck about where they were going to meet on the road. I mean, physics doesn't even have merit in everyday life. Who the hell goes around calling their friends asking, "Hey man, you driving to work right now? How fast are you going? Oh, 50 MPH huh? Well, I predict that you'll get there in 2 minutes and 23 seconds. Isn't that awesome? I learned that in physics during high school. What's that? I'm going to die alone and a virgin?" *click* (Line goes dead)

And don't get me started on math. Holy crap. Even today, math remains as the bane of my existence. Don't get me wrong, I see how math has merits. Counting money, telling time, you know, the basics. What gets to me is why they need to teach us the really advanced stuff. I mean, I'm currently enrolled in a business course, so math is probably going to haunt me for the rest of my life, but I know for a fact that I can get through life without ever knowing how to calculate for the standard deviation of a population mean. All the math you need in life, you learn as a kid. Adding, subtracting, multiplying, dividing, percentages, decimal points, etc. These are the only things you need to concern yourself with, and even then there's always this little invention called the calculator. As a matter of fact, some of the most successful people in the world owe their success to things that aren't even remotely related to math. Did J.K. Rowling become successful because she wrote "Harry Mathnerd and the Area of the Circle?" Did Will Smith ever get nominated for an Oscar for "Best Application of Logarithmic Differentiation"? Did Oprah Winfrey ever tell her audience to go learn how to solve for the continuity of functions of one variable? Hell no! Sure, these people may have a few math skills here and there, but they'd probably only use them so that they can count their assloads of money.

Of course, who can forget P.E.? The ultimate waste of time, the subject that everyone knows is a joke. In fact, I think that the only reason P.E. was even considered to be a subject in school was so that the morons who took up teaching in college but failed miserably would have a place to go to. I mean, even the teachers who teach P.E. know that their subject is a joke. Most of them just let the class pass by with a glazed look in their eyes, always dreaming of what they should have done right in college, while others, try to justify their current situation to themselves by trying to make us take the subject seriously. The first kind is alright. Sure, it's a monumental waste of time and money because they just sit around and let you do whatever the hell you want, but at least they're not like the second kind. The second type of teacher is what makes P.E. hell on Earth. Not only is P.E. such a drag to go to (as it's usually held either after classes or on days wherein you have no other classes), but it's even more annoying when the teacher actually expects you to take P.E. seriously. Sure, playing basketball or dancing with a hot classmate can be kind of fun, but the moment the teacher actually gives you homework and/or written exams, it starts to fuck things up. We have enough on our plates already, and a lousy, useless subject demands our already strained attention to it. And you know what the worst part is? If you're unlucky enough, your P.E. will be scheduled on either a Saturday (which means going out with friends), or before a class. What's so bad about that you say? Double back for a second and think about it. Most of the time, P.E. will require physical exertion of some kind. Physical exertion is synonymous with sweat, sweat is synonymous with a gross/sticky feelings, and interesting yet nauseating smells, which then lead to a general loss of friends, and overall depreciation amongst the opposite sex.

I'm not against learning for the sake of learning. In fact, I think that everyone needs to adopt this kind of attitude towards knowledge in general. It's just that it bothers me that our educational leaders of the past, present, and possibly the future, suddenly decided to stuff "knowledge" down our throats. Knowledge shouldn't be forced on the student, the student needs to be willing to accept it. Ask any adult who's graduated from college about the shit that they've learned in high school and I guarantee you that they've forgotten most of it. Hell, ask yourself about the crap that you've learned. You'll find that most of what you remember is either something that caught your interest, made you laugh, or made you fail. I know, because the only reason I remember the term "Gluteus Maximus" is because it means "ass".

Sunday, July 27, 2008


Is it just me, or is the world getting stupider at an alarming rate? I never really noticed this before because up until then, I was too busy dealing with my personal shit-storm of problems to even take notice. Then the day came when the cold, hard truth knocked me flat on my ass. That day was when a certain person (who shall henceforth be referred to as "that dumbass") came up to me and asked me a question. You see, that dumbass had just received a new laptop a week prior to our meeting, and was musing over a simple problem which he/she was only too eager to ask me for help with. That dumbass went, "My laptop is too heavy. Do you think that it will get lighter if I delete some files?". Let me give you a second to let that sink in. That dumbass thought that the files inside his/her laptop were responsible for making the laptop too heavy. Even though I was laughing my ass off on the outside, I swear that I felt a huge chill crawl down my spine as I looked around and came to this realization: We are surrounded by dumbasses.

The signs are everywhere. Video games are getting easier (a rant about this in the future), people can't spell to save their lives, and movies/television shows which have actual plots rate lower than stereotyped Asian telenovelas. Hell, even the invention of the Mac is a sign. "Oh no!! I forgot which side is left and which side is right again!! Thank God my Mac only has one button for clicking. Now I don't have to know the difference!! Yay Apple!!". Fucking Mac users. They should all go play in traffic. I don't even know why stupidity doesn't make it in the news. God knows that it's behind every single bad thing that's fucking with our world. Take the war in Iraq for example. Have you ever seen George Bush? Note the glazed look in his eyes. Nuff' said. I say, fuck global warming. Fuck terrorism. The real threat is stupidity. Stupidity is a sickness of epidemic proportions, and once you've caught it, there's no turning back. In fact, it's getting so bad that you may even want to start considering wearing a helmet just in case one of those retarded dipshits get a whiff of your brain. To be honest, I'd take a zombie apocalypse over a world full of morons any day. At least with the zombies, you're permitted to go postal and shoot the shit out of every drooling, brain-dead thing that passes by.

And you know what's even worse than your run-of-the-mill idiot? An idiot who denies that he's an idiot. You know the type. The ones who walk around thinking that they're the smartest person to walk the earth, keeping up a farce of poorly-feigned intelligence with a wall of big words that they just pulled out of their ass. Some days, I just wish that a truck full of donkey doo-doo dumplings would pop out of nowhere and run these dickheads over. Twice. Oh well. A man can dream. As for pointing out their obvious idiocy to them? A word of advice. Never get into an argument with an idiot. He'll just drag you down to his level, and beat you with experience.

You know if you think about it, the only thing keeping these morons alive are safety labels. If it weren't for safety labels, people with IQ's normally reserved for fungi are sure to die out. Idiots would start running around with scissors, putting metallic objects in the microwave, and start wondering what electrical sockets taste like. So do your part, and start removing any safety labels on dangerous items so that the problem can start solving itself. Who knows? Maybe one day, we can finally stop dancing around dumbasses and solve world hunger or something. How many safety labels have you removed today?

Friday, July 4, 2008


I need to get all serious for a bit, so please just bear with me. Kim is my cousin on my mother's side and for a high schooler, she's pretty cool. She's just a wonderful girl who's spunky, vibrant and full of life. She's a normal high school girl with normal high school things to think about, like getting good grades and going to prom and such. She loves her Ipod Touch to smithereens and she's a learning Rubik's cube enthusiast. Now, I just learned that she was recently diagnosed with a blood clot in her brain. So far, with all things considered, she's been pretty lucky as she's still conscious and is coherent. Still, she's far from cured, and she's going to need an operation. Now, if it's not too much to ask, I'd like to ask you all to please add Kim to your daily prayers. It'll only take an extra minute of your time, and you'll be helping Kim, me, and my family a whole lot. Please pray for her well-being, for any and all procedures that need to be done to her, and for her full recovery. Thanks guys.

Update: Kim's surgery went through without a hitch, so she's pretty much out of the woods. Thanks for the prayers and the well-wishes, they were a huge help.


I fucking hate emo's. And no, I don't hate people with real problems. I hate people who think that being depressed and misunderstood is the coolest thing in the world. First off, let's clear up this "misunderstood" bullshit. Emo's are not misunderstood. There are millions of kids who have the same lame-ass problems that they have. The difference? The ones who aren't emo got over their problems a long time ago, while the emo ones just sit behind their computer and type endless entries of bitching and moaning in their blogs. Newsflash you dumbasses, nobody cares about your problems. We have enough shit on our plate as it is. As for being depressed? Please. I sincerely doubt that being grounded by your parents (or some other God-awful excuse for a problem) merits suicidal-level depression. Save the act for tinsel town you drama queens. Hollywood may need a few extras to blow up in it's next big action flick.

As if all the false depression and bitching weren't enough, emo's just have to prove that their stupid problems are worthy of attention. And what better way to prove that they are suicidal than with a half-assed suicide attempt? It's easy! Just borrow your dad's razor (because everyone knows that emo's aren't manly enough to grow facial hair) and apply to your wrists. Aaaaand poof! A fucked up social trend is born! Ten thousand frolicking fucknuts! "Look at me! I'm so cool because my over-exaggerated problems are so bad that I cut myself just to feel alive!" Do you know why emo's feel alive when they cut themselves? It's because they're sprouting boners at the thought of all the attention that they're going to get because of their shallow wrist-cuts. Holy shit you emo butt-monkeys. I've seen a 5-year-old trip and skin his knee walk away with wounds deeper than that. Any suicide attempt that you can shake off and brag to your friends about the very next day is just another fucked up cry for attention. And please, if you have emo friends, don't feed their desire for a chance at the limelight. Whenever they tell you about one of their shallow, moronic problems that can probably be solved in under 5 minutes, then show you their latest failed attempt at suicide, don't go, "Poor baby. I understand what you are going through.". Let them know that suicide is a serious matter and that their dumb attempt at attention-whoring is just annoying.

Of course, there's also emo fashion (i.e. black clothes and makeup). Guys, using eye-liner does not make you look cool and disturbed, and in fact registers as a huge blip on gaydar. I mean, I know that I'm no genius when it comes to fashion, but I'm pretty sure that makeup was conceived with women in mind. And let's not forget about emo clothes. These commercialized shirts are nothing more than glorified advertisements of the social cancer that is "emo" or some other related shit that are making a few guys in expensive suits even more filthy-fucking rich. I mean sure, the fact that any shirt, pair of jeans, or whatever article of clothing that has been mass produced being just another corporate scam for free advertisement is old news, but these soulless money-mongers take it to a whole different level. Not only do they require people to pay for advertising their favorite emo band on their chests, but they're advocating a trend that tends to be dangerous to gullible, depressed people. Emo's with fake problems and their sad excuses for suicide attempts are one thing, but there are poor souls out there who are already dangling on edge. People don't need encouragement to jump off a building, the world and all of it's bullshit is enough motivation already.

Friday, June 27, 2008

A Dump a Day

Taking a shit is the most incredible experience in existence. The moment I park my ass on the porcelain throne, I feel like I'm one with the universe. It's the perfect balance between satisfaction and solitude, which in turn leads to great epiphanies. Every single good idea I've had in my life was conceived during one of my many, many fecal conquests. In fact, I came up with the concept for writing this article while I was taking a huge dump the other day. Ass-blasting rules.

Great bowel movements make great men. Some of the greatest people of all time came up with their respective legacies in the crapper. Mahatma Gandhi and his peaceful revolution? He thought of it during a massive diarrhea attack due to a bad helping of curry (which also led to Gandhi's personal hunger strike and his turning into a vegetarian). Einstein and his theory of relativity? The guy nearly popped a vein trying to make a particularly strong batch of ass-coffee, which led him to believe that time slows down while one is suffering. As a matter of fact, Hitler would have probably conquered the entire world if he had taken a schiesse break on a regular basis. Remember kids:

A dump a day ,
Keeps colon cancer away,
It's also a good way,
To keep the butt-pirates at bay,
And may someday,
Help with your life gone astray,
So that history may,
Remember you for eternity and a day.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Filipino Television

You know, I used to think channel surfing was fun. Back then, there was always the option of flipping away with the remote whenever nothing was on. Not anymore. Today, every time I accidentally land on a Filipino program, a few million of my brain cells commit suicide.

What is with Filipino television? If it's not some game show wherein the game itself requires both the contestants and the audience to act like complete idiots, it's another shampoo commercial. I swear to God if I see another girl who has impossibly smooth and shiny hair, laughing and flipping her hair around like nobody's business, I'm going to go postal. It's just shampoo, dipshit. Get over it. And don't get me started on those fucked up game shows. It's like every few words or so, people suddenly break out in dance. "And now, for the question and answer round!" Dance number. "Who is the current president of the Philippines?" Dance number. "Errr..." "Whoops! I'm sorry, your time is up. You just lost the chance to win 2 million pesos. But cheer up! We have dancing girls!" Dance number. Holy crap on a stick. And as if that wasn't bad enough, the game shows make the contestants play moronic games that the producers pulled out of their collective asses, usually with a couple of subtle, snide comments from the hosts disguised as jokes.

Some people may attest that the game shows are actually kind of helpful, as they give away much-needed cash prizes to contestants who are desperately in need. In fact, some may say that they even contribute to the community. Some people need a bitch-slap from reality. Those bastards earn a heck of a lot more than what they give away, and they are laughing and slapping each other on the back all the way to the bank. As for contributing to the community? Well, judging on how most of the populace already heavily depends on "get-rich-quick" gimmicks such as the lotto or gambling to get a better lease on life, I'd say it's pretty safe to say that they're just fueling another one of the factors that contribute to the overall decline of of the Filipino quality of life. Still not convinced? Wait, I feel a cough coming on. *cough cough* stampede *cough*

For those of you who were wondering, yes, I am aware that game shows and brain-hemorrhage inducing shampoo commercials aren't the only things that comprise Filipino TV. Oh no. "Telenovelas", the Moby Dick among the bunch, is also on my list. Why didn't I just do that rant along with the game shows and the comemrcials? Shitwaffles, that subject matter is so huge that it deserves an entire rant of it's own.

Monday, June 23, 2008


I've never understood why most guys seem to think that wrestling is the manliest and most awesome thing ever. I mean hell, most fans practically worship wrestlers. You'd think that the moment the news about how wrestling is just a choreographed fight combined with a bit of bad acting and some flashy gimmicks would be enough to deter even the most hardcore fans, but no. For some reason, wrestling lives on, and is in fact more popular than ever. Good Lord. There are so many things wrong with that fact, but for the sake of practicality, I'm going to point out the most obvious factor. Wrestling is gay. And I'm not talking about the regular kind of gay. Oh no. We're talking The Village People here.

Now I know that most guys will respond with how wrestling is about guys beating the shit out of each other, thus making it manly. I don't know about you, but the idea of oiled up, half-naked men who wear tight, colorful spandex, jumping on top of each other strikes me as something pretty gay. I mean holy shit, have you seen some of the moves that these "guys" do? The crotch-to-face proximity is a tad disturbing, to say the least. And those moves aren't even the really disturbing ones. One time I saw this wrestler, who was more whale blubber than man (And coming from me that's saying a lot, because I'm a pretty big guy myself), sit on a poor female wrestler's face. Holy freaking damn. And as if that wasn't enough, he proceeded to wipe his oily ass on her nose. Oh fuck no. No amount of therapy will be able to remove that scene from my mind. Also, what the hell is up with all the body oil? As if seeing fully grown men grope each other on television wasn't bad enough. "My hands can't seem to properly grasp your body because of all the body oil, but that's alright because we look all shiny and fabulous. Whoops, my hand slipped onto your cock!! *giggle*" Excuse me, I have to go barf my guts out now.